I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said
"If you can read this the b*tch fell off."
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel
paranoid instead of protected.
Young riders pick a destination and go...
Old riders pick a direction and go.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white,
and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
I'd rather be riding my motorcycle thinking about God than
sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle
2 bikes are useful because at least one can be raided
for parts at any given time.
If the person in the next lane at the stoplight rolls up
the window and locks the door, support their view of bikers
by snarling at them.
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answered the door. She proclaimed,
"I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to
meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her,
"You have a bike?"
The little old lady said,
"Yea, that's my Harley over there,"
and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her,
"Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke.
I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day
and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked,
"Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz,
but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart
piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned
the woman to come forward, looked into the cart
and asked sweetly,
'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would
be a 45-minute wait for a table.
'Young man, we're both 90 years old,
we may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected
is that they would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage,
The bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please.
Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk
Looking up, he asks the Lord,
"God, what does a million years
mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, Dear,' he said.
Of course, John,'his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
'Rabbi, something terrible is happening, and I have to talk to
you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
me,what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll
I can find out, and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
The man said, 'Yes,' and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'
Reasons Why Men Have Two Dogs And Not Two Wives:
1 The later you are,
the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you
for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous,
other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't mind it if you call them
by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things
on the floor.
6. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice
to get your point across.
7. Dogs like to do their snooping outside
rather than in your wallet or desk.
8. Dogs seldom outlive you.
9. You never have to wait for a dog
they're ready to go when you put your coat on.
10. Dogs find you amusing
when you're stumbling around in the dark.
11. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
12. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
13. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask,
"If I died, would you get another dog?"
14. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper
and give them away.
15. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it
without calling you a pervert.
16. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.
17. Dogs like to ride in the back
of a pick-up truck.
18. If a dog leaves,
it won't take half of your stuff.
- Being Polite -
During class, a 6th grade teacher trying to teach good manners
asks the students, one by one - "If you were on a date,
having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
she asked Little Richard and he replied
"Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you Bill, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom,
I'll be right back." The teacher responded,
"That's better, but it's still not very nice
to say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Little Johnny, are you able to
use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say:"
"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment,
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted . .
- The Pastor's Salary -
This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher,
who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will
not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to
leave. Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and
announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new
sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to
transport their children!"The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
"If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary,
and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education
of his children!!" More sighs and applause.
Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces,
"If! the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks,
"Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?
" Ms. Ella May answers,
"I just asked my husband how we could help,
and He said .... F**k him!
How many Chosen Few does it take to wash a bike?
None! That's what prospects are for.
Why do dogs lick their balls.......
because they can't make a fist!!!
Early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the
What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.
Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and
I'll sit on
the couch and drink beer and fart!
HONEYMOON: That brief period of time between,
"I do" and
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park,
but better for boy.
to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night.
It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?
It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down,
woman lays down to get
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
replied, " No peer pressure."