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Jokes
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like
to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
~~~~~
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
'Young man, we're both 90 years old, we may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
~~~~~
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
~~~~~
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests
in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest
smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his
~~~~~
Women and cats will do as they please.
Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
~~~~~
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord, 'God, what does a million years mean to
you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
~~~~~
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
~~~~~
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, Dear,' he said.
Of course, John,'his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
~~~~~
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
'Rabbi, something terrible is happening, and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
me,what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what
I can find out, and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said, 'Yes,' and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
~~~~~
Reasons Why Men Have Two Dogs And Not Two Wives:
1 The later you are,
the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you
for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous,
other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't mind it if you call them
by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things
on the floor.
6. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice
to get your point across.
7. Dogs like to do their snooping outside
rather than in your wallet or desk.
8. Dogs seldom outlive you.
9. You never have to wait for a dog
they're ready to go when you put your coat on.
10. Dogs find you amusing
when you're stumbling around in the dark.
11. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
12. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
13. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask,
"If I died, would you get another dog?"
14. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper
and give them away.
15. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it
without calling you a pervert.
16. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.
17. Dogs like to ride in the back
of a pick-up truck.
18. If a dog leaves,
it won't take half of your stuff.
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- Being Polite -
During class, a 6th grade teacher trying to teach good manners asks
the students, one by one - If you were on a date, having supper with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the
bathroom?
" she asked Little Richard and he replied "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you Bill, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I
really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the table."
"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for
once and show us your good manners?" I would say: "Darling, may I please be
excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of
mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted . .
- The Pastor's Salary -
This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"The congregation sighs, and applauds. Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause. Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If! the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and He said .... F**k him!
How many Chosen Few does it take to wash a bike?
None! That's what prospects are for.
Why do dogs lick their balls.......
because they can't make a fist!!!
Early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.
Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and
I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
HONEYMOON: That brief period of time between,
"I do" and "You'd better!"
Confucius say:
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park,
but better for boy.
to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night.
It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?
It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down,
woman lays down to get knocked up.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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